Every Line of the Funeral Bill
“A what?”
“The invoice says Monarch, eighteen gauge, bronze finish, $6,995.”
She was quiet. I could hear her kitchen clock.
“Jean, it was gray. It was gray steel. It had the pale blue crepe inside, and I remember because Art’s eyes were that blue and I thought, he would like it. It was on the card. It was $1,895. I remember because I thought, that’s less than I feared.”
“Did you see it at the visitation?”
“It was closed. It was under the flag and the spray of lilies Patty sent.”
“Did you ever go back and change it?”
“Of course not. Why would I?”
I said nothing for a while. Yvonne heard the nothing.
“Am I wrong?” she said. Her voice had gone small. “Hubert says I picked it and I was tired. He says to just pay it, that it’s done and it’s Les, for heaven’s sake.”
Hubert has a good heart, a short temper and a conference call on Mondays, and I think he was afraid of what his mother would look like with another fight in her.
“Yvonne,” I said. “You’re not wrong. And you’re not paying anything tonight. I want to look at that list.”
“What list?”
“The one Les gave you. The folder.”
We looked at it Tuesday at her kitchen table. I had a legal pad and a pot of coffee, and she had the blue folder, which she had pulled out from under the phone book.
I should explain what was in it, because it surprised Yvonne, and I think it will surprise you.
Federal law, the Funeral Rule, says a funeral home must hand you a printed general price list the moment you start talking arrangements in person, and you keep it. Every item has its own price. They must also give you a separate casket price list before they walk you into the casket room, and afterward a written statement of exactly what you chose.
Les’s general price list was four clean pages, and the numbers were reasonable. I say that plainly because I did not go looking for a villain. Basic services of funeral director and staff, $2,350. Transfer of remains, any hour, within 25 miles, $395. Embalming, $895. Dressing and casketing, $295. Visitation, $450 per day of public visitation. Funeral service at the church, $495. Funeral coach, $395. Flower car, $175. Outer burial container, concrete vault, $1,150.
The casket price list had nine caskets on it, with little photographs. I put my finger on the sixth. Prairie Rest, 20-gauge steel, gray finish, pale blue crepe interior. $1,895.
There was a small blue ring around that number, drawn in ballpoint.
Yvonne put her hand flat on the page and held it there.
“That’s the one,” she said. “I did that, in the family room, while he was talking. It’s what I do with a seed catalog. That’s Art’s.”